wow

It's been forever since I posted here. Has it really been 11 days since I had a logical thought? Possibly. ;-)

I've honestly been in "finishing-the-book" hell. If this is a marathon, and all long-length writing is, I am in the last mile or two. I'm gasping for breath, reaching for Gatorade, and cramping up but dammit ... I am almost there.

It's been almost seven years since I actually started this book. Longer since I got to know these characters. There was a time of a couple of years when I didn't even touch the manuscript and wondered if my dreams for this novel were only meant to be dreams. Tonight, I sit here, seeing a deadline and my heart leaps with joy and fear.

I hear that starting off on a dream is all about taking that first step. No, it's about taking the last one. It's about actually letting ourselves realize that dream and know and understand that as we take that LAST step toward the first step of the next level, there could be heart break. We might have to start over again. We might, one day, possibly, have to look at our dream and realize that it is only a dream.

The first time that happened to me, I was in high school. Never the best dancer in the room, I still wanted to spend my high school days dancing away in sparkly outfits. Flat feet denied me the joy of ballet. Lack of money, and perhaps interest, from my family, always sullied my enjoyment of the process. When I became a cheerleader my Sophomore year in high school, I am surprised my family didn't disown me right then and there. After all, in their mind, the only dream I needed to have was to BE a basketball player, not to cheer them on. It's amusing, to me at least, that I remain the loudest, most informed fan in my family. Injuries sidelined my dreams in high school. And it was later, in college, when I went to an audition that I blew, I realized that even dancing on stage in musicals wasn't going to happen.

The second time I realized that some dreams are meant to just be dreams, I was in my early 20's, and it hit me that no, I wasn't meant to be an actor. No. No, not an actor or a singer. It wasn't my path. And giving up those dreams was hard on me. I'd crafted my entire world around this dream. I drifted then. Lawyer. Teacher. Anything to just be focused. To paraphrase the song - any dream would do. And it was during this time that I found my constant - writing. Yes, writing.

So, I sit here today, with Rachel Maddow playing on the TV machine, seeing the last step in this first step. I am about to, for the first time, truly step to the next level in a dream. And it's scary. Stepping to the next level means rejection. It means people laughing at what I know is talented writing. It means staring into evil, evil monsters who will tell me how terrible and horrible I am. But there's a difference between dancing and acting and singing ... this time, I know my constant. I know my footing. And even if I have, at times, walked blindly down the path, I have always been here.

And so ... right now, with less than ten days to my deadline, I format. I fight with word and I format. I edit conversations between characters. I cast the characters in my head (Zachary Quinto as Tony ... seriously. Michael Trucco as Jared.) And I enjoy the butterflies in my head. Bring on the bullshit, bring on the rejections, bring on the mocking.

For the first time in my life, I truly understand the path I am on.

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